or rather, shelby and toby hamfistedly shove alt!kids into this universe because screw the rules 

toby: i have to know about jake and jane in marching band
shelby: omg…
shelby: jake would play, like… the baritone or something
toby: jake would play every instrument
shelby: ahahhahahaa
shelby: yes
toby: whatever he can play the loudest
toby: he’d also go down to the pit and play the xylophone during certain songs
toby: and he gets all the right notes but it sounds bad because he hits the bars too hard

shelby: lmfao
shelby: why do i love him so much…..
toby: BECUASE HES ME
shelby: IT ALL MAKES SENSE
toby: CAUHS
toby: Crazy Alternate Universe High School
shelby: yes
shelby: look it would literally be called that
toby: the drum major is just regular jack noir
toby: and they never see each other or talk about each other
shelby: shdfjkshfsd
shelby: y es
toby: slick is just concerned about being better than the other band, even if their director has a “mysteriously nice ass”

toby: jake writes anonymous love letters to jane and signs them “J”
toby: and then blames everyone else for them
toby: but they’re really clearly him
shelby: no one else would write “By the devil, you’re a stand up gal!”
toby: because he starts talking about her eyes for like, two sentences then there’s a paragraph about weekend at bernie’s
toby: just randomly
shelby: ahhahahah
toby: and yes, the way he speaks
toby: ID LIKE TO MAKE YOU AN HONEST WOMAN
shelby: jane’s just like
shelby: lol!
toby: jake also laughs
toby: in a really terrible fake laugh
toby: and it gets so loud he has to finish laughing in the bathroom
toby: then he comes back like 2 minutes later and is like
toby: …
toby: I WONDER WHO COULD HAVE SENT THAT
shelby: HAHAHahHA
shelby: MYSTERIES ABOUND

toby: in terms of relation to john, jade, etc.
toby: i think they’re still all literally their parents and stuff
toby: because bro still exists
toby: yet is a kid at that school
shelby: it doesnt have to make sense
shelby: this universe doesnt make any sense
toby: im imagining a scenario where jane and john end up going on a date for some reason
toby: and then it’s exactly like that scene in back to the future
toby: where it’s like
toby: I FEEL LIKE I’M KISSING MY BROTHER
toby: and john is like
toby: YEAH THIS IS GROSS
shelby: omg yes hahhhaha
toby: (pause)
toby: then they keep kissing anyway
shelby: do you ship john and his grandma
shelby: thats messed up
toby: no, that’s gross
toby: what happens is
toby: then they stop and john is WOW THIS IS SOME EXERCISE, IM HUNGRY Now
toby: and jane’s like
toby: omg
toby: i can make you a cake
toby: and john is like
toby: …
toby: a cake?
toby: my dad likes to make cakes heheh
toby: and she’s like
toby: john do you like betty crocker
toby: and he’s like
toby: …
toby: RUNS AWAY
shelby: I HAVE TO GO DO STUFF
shelby: AT A PLACE
shelby: GOODBUE
shelby: *bye
toby: BYE I MIGHT NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN
toby: then there’s a subplot where he feels like marty mcfly and has to get them back together
toby: jane and jake
toby: evne though they were never together in the first place
shelby: the fate of the universe depends on it!
toby: this entails ruining their school dance and being like FROM WHERE I COME THIS IS A POPULAR SONG
toby: and instead of playing something from the future he just plays, like, how do you live
shelby: everyone’s like omg he doesn’t even go here
shelby: what is his problem

toby: jake really wants to play 1812 overture
toby: really bad
shelby: omg omg
toby: because it has
toby: cannons….
shelby: cannons
toby: and he just won’t shut up so jack lets him play it
toby: but he just keeps firing the cannons
toby: he can’t control himself
shelby: kid keep it in your pants
shelby: the school is like
shelby: WHERE DID YOU GET THE APPROVAL FOR CANNONS
shelby: jack knows a guy, whatever
toby: several of them are jake’s
toby: like, he just owns them, he brought them
shelby: they end up not getting to use the cannons in concert
shelby: due to possibility of “death”
toby: yes…
toby: instead jake has to play triangle or something
toby: and he’s really disappointed
toby: but he hits it so hard it’s louder tahn the cannons somehow
shelby: ahahah omg thatq reminds me
shelby: we played this one piece where it was like supposed to be
shelby: a really soft part?
toby: yeah?
shelby: that ended with a soft triangle hit
shelby: and the guy playing it
shelby: read the music wrong
shelby: and just hit it REALLY LOUD OVER AND OVER LIKE A COW BELL
toby: HAHAHAH
toby: THAT’S JAKE
shelby: it was like the softest part of the piece and everyone just turned around like
shelby: WHAT
toby: like, it’s the end of the piece and he just starts wailing on it
toby: and like
toby: yelling
toby: because of all the effort he’s putting into it
shelby: LMFAO
toby: and then the crowd just cheers because they think it’s part of the piece or whatever
toby: but everyone in the band thinks he’s an idiot
shelby: yes
shelby: yes
shelby: jack is like you drive me to drink, kid
toby: i want jack and spades to meet
toby: and say that about two different kids at the same time
toby: look of surprise
toby: then they look into each other’s eyes and just
toby: hug
shelby: HAHAHHAHA
toby: what does jane play when she’s not drum major
shelby: finally……..someone who understands…
shelby: hm
shelby: she would be super cute as a marimba player….
toby: also i can see jake playing baritone but he would also play trumpet
toby: just because trumpet is the loudest
toby: and looks most like a gun
shelby: of course
toby: he took it up because he got confused and thought it was a blunderbuss
shelby: HJADSJA
toby: he would always like
shelby: the thing is he’s probably actually really good
toby: put bullets into the bell
toby: YEAH
shelby: it’s infuriating
toby: like, when he plays a solo or something and he doesn’t overblow it, it sounds amazing
toby: he just like, has some natural talent
toby: but then the other half of the time it’s just like
toby: BWBWBBWBWBBWBW
toby: literally half the volume of the band
shelby: yes
shelby: yes
toby: jane playing marimba would be cute
shelby: i mean she plays piano
toby: yeah
toby: she and john have the same piano teacher probably
shelby: yes
shelby: her and john also have the same haircut at some point
toby: HAHAHHA
toby: maybe they go to each other’s school for a day
toby: as each other
toby: karkat is like
toby: he KNOWS something is wrong
shelby: AHHAHAH
shelby: good job, karkat
shelby: you’re a master of perception
toby: did john always have boobs?
shelby: he’s finally gone crazy
toby: DOESNT KNOW
shelby: jane and jade stand next to each other WHAT IF THEY MADE OUT
toby: is that what karkat is thinking
shelby: yes
shelby: its highly unfortunate
toby: he has to make up some sort of announcement about some sort of nonexistent lesbian kissing disease
shelby: If Only *kanaya glares at rose*
toby: as he’s making the announcement terezi and vriska just start making out again
shelby: THATS THE OPPOSITE OF THE POINT!
toby: THEN JOHN
toby: COMES IN
toby: AND IS LIKE
toby: “what if two guys kiss”
toby: “is that ok”
shelby: WHAT.
toby: there are two johns
toby: and no one notices
shelby: karkat wakes up it was all a dream
toby: OR WAS IT???
toby: (dave plays the theremin)

toby: he runs for band president
toby: and wins
toby: and then there’s an attempted assasination
shelby: he has so much CHARISMA
shelby: asfhsjfhfda
toby: but his inauguration speech is so long
toby: it deflected the bullet or whatever
shelby: it wasnt a bullet it was just a wad of paper
toby: the only question is
toby: from who…
toby: also his inauguration speehc
toby: starts really eloquently
toby: and then like
toby: 2 paragraphs in
toby: he’s like
toby: and all my success.. i can attribute solely to… jane….
toby: HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN WEEKEND AT BERNIES
shelby: everyone groans
toby: some people everybody loves to hate
toby: jake is one of those people everyone hates to love
shelby: yes
shelby: yes
toby: as his first order as band president he decides the school mascot should be a skull being fired out of a gun
shelby: JJDHAHA
toby: even though that’s not only completely inappropriate he doesnt even have any level of say in it
shelby: a boy can dream
toby: he also says every student should have recess
shelby: in high school

shelby: hes adorable
shelby: he thinks jade is the coolest
toby: YEAH
toby: OBVIOUSLY THEY’RE GREAT FRIENDS
toby: I THINK YOU’RE A BLAST JADE
toby: LOVE YOU
shelby: THATS SO CUTE
shelby: jades like lol! were so awesome!!!!! then they high five
toby: he packs her a lunch with a note inside that says that
toby: even though she already has a lunch
toby: and the only type of sandwich he can make is a kfc double down
toby: it’s appreciated
shelby: kfc…..double…..down….
toby: like, it doesnt matter what ingredients he uses
toby: everything he touches turns into meat
toby: peanut butter and jelly sandwich
toby: kfc double down
shelby: him and jane just eat bacon
shelby: all the time
shelby: bacon and cake
toby: yes
shelby: they have no time for vegetables
toby: someone is really impressed by their cooking for some band event
toby: and asks them to cater for a wedding
toby: and it’s literally that spongebob episode
toby: SAL-AD?
shelby: jhjgdsgaHHAHAHAHA
toby: ONE SAL-AD… COMING… RIGHT.. UP
shelby: jane’s like
shelby: omg…..
shelby: how….
shelby: how do you make a salad?????
shelby: jake: I DONT KNOW
shelby: they improvise
toby: jake’s like ok dont worry it’s going to be easy
toby: *picks up a piece of lettuce, it turns into a chicken wing*
toby: nO
toby: jane has all the ingredients for cake out and cant bring herself to not use them
toby: WE NEED HELP
shelby: they end up making fried chicken
toby: then they call up little bro
toby: and he just makes food made of knives and bombs
toby: and it’s just this worthless mess of meat, batter, and explosives
toby: but it turns out it’s dave and terezi’s wedding
toby: so ti’s perfect….
shelby: AHHAHA
shelby: well dave and terezi get married at burger king
toby: oh right
toby: sorry
toby: i was ruining canon
shelby: GEEz
shelby: no maybe they have a real wedding a few years later
toby: yeah
toby: you know, like when you have one later to impress family or whatever
shelby: what family
toby: maybe they just really like getting married
toby: and just keep doing it
shelby: yes
shelby: everyone else was doing it
shelby: maybe they just
shelby: want all the wedding gifts
toby: dave keeps having baby showers
shelby: LMFAO
toby: i can really feel it, this baby wants a ps3 
toby: it becomes kind of an annual cultural event
shelby: its like dave’s second birthday
toby: yes
toby: in canon though dave doesn’t really seem like the kind of person who would ask for a lot or expect a lot
toby: so he would probably say baby shower, no gifts necessary
shelby: yes its just like
shelby: everyone eating chips